People that believe in me

God this is tough. in my earlier post in getting closer to why i took up cre8 juvenile and it aint pretty... it hurts so much. we have a great team comprising of great ppl. ppl who believe in me. ive always wanted to be part of something like this. ive always wanted to be in support of something like this. they have dreams... dreams they they would do anything to get. they are working so hard... i realized why im supporting this. like ive said i wanted to support this. its a great idea and all but....*sighs* i grew up with lots of ppl around me but ive always been alone.. its not a bad thing.. ppl did not exclude me i did by choice. acknowledging my lonliness has made me see a couple of things. my strengths my weaknesses my patterns my frameworks. although this is a great idea i have nothing else to go by except me wanting them to realize this dreams of them and that they believe i can assist them with this. then i realize i cannot.. its because they believe in me.... which is why this hurts so bad.this is their dream their visions not mine. also i cannot provide the resources the project require. its because they believe in me i cannot do this to them. i have a responsibility. i cant bring shit in for them to handle.. this is my shit.... i still want to be in support of this but not like this. not when i will be more of a liability than an asset. how hard is this... but i have my own way to go... having no choice is still a choice to be made.... this sux but i still gotta do it... at the end ill be stronger by the time i come back if i so choose it.

Day of confrontations

Ugh.. my nose is leaking like crazy!! ugh seems like confrontation after confrontation today. lynette, ain, cheena and dizzy. well for lynette im almost at peace with it.. apparently theres gonna be a reply so not knowing what it is yet creates an incompletion. if only thats the only thing i have to handle today.. haha ain called today see whether wanted to hang out. i dont have a prob with her.. *sigh* it was painful for me continuing my relationship with eunice back then after she cheated on me with a so called friend. the suspicion and all the crap that came after that was hard to bear even though i succeeded. it was something i nvr wished for someone else to experience. so strong the emotion that i unconciously avoid unnessecary interaction with any of my friends' gfs.. haha though after i cleared with eunice abt our past it cease to affect me. the framework still there though. ack sneezing fit..... so i still get mildly triggered from time to time.
anyway ever since ain been more involved with the work i got closer to her. *smiles* she's like a sister to me. slowly the framework is breaking apart. though today like abit too much she called which is rare she even got me a gift for chrismas. guilt trip nvr got her anything... haha... ill let her know abt this soon since we will be doing blp together. getting triggered again. damn frameworks... haha then theres the thing with cheena and dizzy. abt cre8 juvenile.. im getting closer to discovering exactly why i dived into that project and so far it doesnt look pretty and dread bringing this up to them which i have to. having no choice is still a choice to be made haha. spent the evening with them. trigger trigger.. manifest to a flu... drip drip. ugh pile of tissue getting pretty huge hahah how much shit have i been putting on myself? hahah it seems endless. still have to clean it up anyway. haha damn you kelvin hahahha pfft i made the choice haha no turning back ever since then. *smiles*

Time to roll the dice

today i took a gamble haha.. pretty much i put myself at risk of being so incomplete it would have killed my plans.. though its not fully done with but as i decided the outcome does not matter what does is i already did what i could.. im left 1 more important loose end to tie up b4 i face the new year. every yr ppl make resolutions. main issues lie in the domain of responsibility. everytime i think abt it my stomach gets really tight. my stand... im gonna go back to basics. haha who am i that courage is is responsibilty love and devotion. time to complete what i started 3/4 of a yr ago and it starts again now. time to roll the dice and see how the game unfolds.. *grinz*

The Truth

I've said this line in posts 'Response' and 'Pretenders': truth lies in layers. at that point what i wanted to illustrate was the fact that truth is stacked in layers in which each layer can bring out a different perspective of what is said. it kinda hit me today (actually the other day but i was reminded of it today) when i met up with lin for a drink at tanah merah. the key thing in what i saw was the word 'lies'.

courtesy of dictionary.com (lol) i found these entries for lies..


To exist; reside: Our sympathies lie with the plaintiff.

To consist or have as a basis. Often used with in: The strength of his performance lies in his training.

more important to illustrate what im driving at is this:


To present false information with the intention of deceiving.

To convey a false image or impression: Appearances often lie

thats right... the truth... lies.. in layers...

so how can that be? the truth is the truth a lie is a lie right? then again havent we all told white lies b4 something not exactly true but at the same time not really a lie? hmm another way to illustrate this would be lawyers... yes yes.. think of all those cracks at lawyers... im not saying i know tons abt lawyers but the great ones often are kings at twisting truth and fact.. a simple truth stacked with different perceptions ultimately gets distorted.. however are any of these perceptions wrong? or even any right? hahaha its intriguing to me seeing all of this.. but thats another story altogether.. nature of right and wrong.. though similar and closely linked with the nature of truth and lies. 'little lies here and there become truths we learn to share' a tiny line i took from a poem i wrote. a flipside look of what i am talking abt... hahaha so which is it then? the truth really a truth? or a lie? both? neither? muahahah... to end this off.. im just gonna say what a sinister world we live in *chuckles*

Sick

hmm woke up with cough and block nose... its been awhile i dont fall sick easily nowadays... wonder whats up? hmm i see...cough is a build up of wanting to say something. yeah im pretty incomplete abt that Ilaf. the more i think abt it the harder i cough.. haha.. funny how the body works sometimes.. confrontations manifesting to physical ailments. hmm block nose... lets see..
constant brooding over blp and my choices.. ive gotta make a choice soon.. cant delay it too long...energy kinda low too today...resistance to going back to camp... haha wonder whats up with that sia.. thought i ended that already... ugh... i took mc on wed... cant entertain it like this its starting make choices for me again. sigh. Ilaf do something abt it. you got less than an hr. lets complete our experience in Delta. oh yeah and whats the deal with yest night before we slept? ugh my head is fuzzy right now... dont want me to rem eh? i already told you whether or not some1 comes into the pic your existence is already made clear to me...i wont push you down anymore now quit arguing you know what i said is true.. we already made a pact b4 now stay true to it... yes yes our plans for that will take place.. dont worry...its already in motion..it will be evident in blp... yeah do that... source for alternate ways for me to attend blp.. its important i do it this time round... haha yes i know im tired of being patient as well... it will be done 1 way or another so do that.. get back to me on wed so i can speak to kelvin.. hmm stopped coughing block nose clearing up... *sigh* Ilaf and my body works together too often sometimes to make me see stuff haha.. all the more since i can converse with my body it will be an added medium of expression.. hmm reading the whole damn thing sounds like processing.. haha im counting on you Ilaf. we gotta make this work somehow... jeez just realise this whole post is an actual convo hahaha well theres always a first. *shruggs*

Pretenders

this is something ive know all along just that if the last time it hit me was like a slap to my face now its like a knee to my balls...hahaha.. im happy yet sad maybe its the other way around. Everyone pretends myself included. after everything after i do my best to be who and what i wanna be the way i wanna be. ppl just act funny then pretend nothing has happened or avoid me. i dont make them wrong for it. they dont understand at times i dont either. ppl fear what they do not know. they then jump to some conclusion to cover it up or avoid it totally. cant they see it? sometimes i lose sight of it as well. im not perfect nor do i try to be. though im just sick of ppl pretending around me im sicking of pretending myself. slowly i do my best. maybe if i live by it 1 day the ppl i love will get it. why do we do this why? why guard ourselves from the very ppl we love?! for me at the end of the day im afraid.. im afraid if i give it my all i will lose them like i did my dad... i told zhong yesterday that everything that has a start has an ending... only thing to look forward to is the possibility that something more would come out of it... time to stop guarding myself i have already begun actually and slowly i can see the fading... fading of ties i once created. everything that started has to end. lets see what will come out of it at the end. friends... friendship... if that was started it would have to end 1 way or another.... some sooner some later some only at death.. but inevitably it does... but we know it will end some day.... doesnt matter... only today matters now you are still a friend till the day you arent... however till then.. i will cerish every moment i get with you all.. let the end come when it comes i will worry of it no longer... i love you all... *sad smile* pretense... will i get through 1 day? through you? the gift to see at times seems like.... like a curse... how wonderful it is to see... yet to be shunned coz im a threat to the veil that you cling desperately on to... *chuckles* i seem to be straying from what i wanted to originally say but that does not matter.. ill just continue... whatever comes comes...times those who have recieved this gift have falter for as wonderful it is to see we see the the sadness to it too... the pain of truth... some have put back on the veil. i mourn for my comrades who have fallen... times like this how i wish... *sighs* wishes dont do anything except for wishing... i will bear the pain now.. but i will not suffer... now seeing this i can understand why ppl shun me when i do what i do.. pretense is all that they can do to keep their existence as it is... i dont blame you.. i was there b4.. but how long how long can you keep it up? pretending to know the truth yet deep down you know its all a lie... even my truth is a lie.. the truth lies in layers. so it lays so it lies. the layers of truth becomes lies... yet i will still continue to unravel the lies of the truth. why? why do this? i dont want to lie to myself anymore... its a miserable place where i had to make myself happy.. even now at the height of my sadness im happy...hahah coz i no longer need to make myself happy.. *end of ramblings for now*

Fun times

hmm yest didnt turn out too good monetary wise. Cheena lost 300 bucks over the event coz the turn out aint good. not every1 starts out successful eh? haha shows how much work we gotta put in to make it work. couple things i learnt though thats pretty outta point from the event. anyway its abt having fun.ya know ppl say sometimes the place is boring nothing much going on and all blah blah blah... so whats creates fun? haha turns out the answer again is me. well not in an egotistical way its just a matter of perception again. like yesterday the crowd wasnt bad or anything tad too thin but hey it was like a private party and i was having a blast. hahah there were times when i went to zouk or phuture packed as hell and wondering why its so boring.. hahah turns out coz i thought it was boring and didnt do anything abt it...cheena was playing good stuff all of the concious ppl we having a blast haha well i really was. dancing drinking chatting pic taking! weee i dont know its kinda odd is it the ppl im with? somehow having comrades sharing the same world around just makes it easy to have fun. then again im having fun right now and im alone! haha weeee just typing chilling with ma coffee and ciggies letting my thoughts run wild. so bring it down to a common denominator... fun = ??? my truth would be just letting loose ya know despite your surrounding circumstances the ppl.. ya can make anything fun matter of perception... so at the end of the day yet again it comes down to a choice. ya wanna have fun or not? so stop whining abt whatever you are doing and be present to it.. look at it in a way you never would chances are thats when the fun starts to kick in hehehe.. well im off to have a jolly good time by myself till dinner time where ill have fun riding on the train going to lins place and having chrismas dinner with the awaken bunch. Weeee

The Reason

ya know ive been wondering so many times why i still involve myself with the work and ECI... im not complaining or anything. it just boggles me sometimes ya know? not knowing that reason that hits it home.. haha.. well i found my reason... and it came from watching Naruto wahahha.. yes another insight from a cartoon abt ninja kids. damn the kids! haha but we can learn alot from kids...well i finaly got to watch the episodes in the fight between Naruto and Hyuuga Neji. go dl the cartoon if you want haha. anyway it addresses abt fate circumstance destiny. from young ive always been the kid that had expectations put on him... ( actually which kid doesnt have that.. duh) hahah anyway i did pretty great as a kid did well in my studies read alot stuff parents like ya know? however that changed after my father died. that point of time it was ike a part of me died as well.. so many issues revolved around my fathers death tht im certain it will be a long time b4 i clear all of it. after that i became the well charity case. every1 sympathize with me. gave me excuses for the things i did till i came to accept tht. that i was a charity case. all happened was beyond my control its ok.. your dad died we understand... yadayadayada. haha all due respect i am not belittling my dad's death the sadness of it nor the 'help' i go tfrom every1. it just got me to believe that i cant do anything for mself. ppl gaves excuses for my failures for me so often i could not even acknowledge my successes. i gave excuses for both. becoz tht was all the i ever saw. that everything i did was beyond my control. then came the day i met kelvin. (bless you yi lin for that chance) the reason is simple. Kelvin acknowledged me... no excuses ya know. he ws the first i would say to really acknowledge that i could. that i ws beyond my fate. the fate that i created in the first place. I created it. if so why cant i recreate it? of course i can. i did. and im still creating. hahah ive got a long way to go... at the same time looking back..... ive come a long way too. once again thank you every1. for all the good and bad that got me here. now that im here would you like to join me? the greatest gift i got was that choice. ive never seen it realy this way b4 i would like to give that choice to ppl. the choice to choose.

Intentions

Yesterday night was just bumming in my bunk when chris called.. kinda forgot abt the bbq some1 told me abt. well yeah bbq today and guard duty as well was kinda sad to turn down the
bbq.. wanted to go. well once it was said to me when you want something the world conspires to get what you want.. haha well today is a fine direct example. (sometimes you get what you want just not the way you thought you would... like the saying goes careful when you wish for something coz you might just get it hahha) anyway guard duty in the way of BBQ! so what happens? a simple intention. i wanna go for the bbq. thats wht i said b4 sleeping yesterday. this morning reported for guard duty. it was a messy lot for some reason. thre was some confusion so i went to check out with the guard com to see whats up. turns out we had 1 extra guy for duty and the extra number comes from... dum dum dum!! my company! at that point of time i already knew im going home haha. the rest wanted it to be fair. so we um sorta draw lots. the outcome is im at home typing away on my blog.. muahahha.. i didnt cheat mind you. i just knew. haha coincidence you might say? luck? well luck works in a funny way i have yet to fathom and there is no such thing as coincidence. everything happens for a reason and a matter of whether you have the clarity to see the reasoning. i also intended for myself to meet mei asap for payments and to discuss with her abt my probs concerning meeting my decision to take up blp so yeah maybe that will be resolved tonight.. funny how things work eh? *giggles* so BBQ here i come muahahha... oh yeah just to highlight an example of being careful for wishing what you want refer to my post on ownership. *giggles somemore*

Response

puzzles upon puzzles truth lies in layers. what are you trying to figure out this time girl? *chuckles*

my response to Lyne's questionaire in her blog

love me? fill this **** out

1. who are you?

insignificant. a grain of sand.

2. are we friends?

yes

3. when and how did we meet?

not too long ago a couple of months back. thru zhong we met at wisma then headed for supper and sheesha (however you spell it)

4. do you have a crush on me?

yes yet no.. *taps nose* cant fnd a proper way to explain it atm.

5. would you kiss me?

yes

6. give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

hmm onion rings! haha made in layers with a nice crisp coat.. though emptiness in the center..
how shall i explain? hmm a person with multiple personalities (layers) physically attractive (coat) in search of something she lost sometime ago (emptiness)

7. describe me in one word.

guarded

8. what was your first impression?

quiet yet bubbly and has a nice smile.

9. do you still think that way about me now?

yes with a whole lot more stacked on it *grin*

10. what reminds you of me?

sore throats beer and policewomen *grins more*

11. if you could give me anything what would it be?

i would give you a choice.

12. how well do you know me?

sadly i do not know you.... and neither do you...*sighs* think abt it...

13. when was the last time you saw me?

outside zouk when that dj was in town.

14. ever wanted to tell me something but couldnt?

yes but not that i cant. rather did'nt have a chance to. some things i prefer to say to their faces.

15. are you going to put this on your blog and see what i say about you?

if you are reading this i already did and if i can update my blog blindfolded then i wouldnt haha but then again chances are would you say anything at all? part of me doubts you would even be reading this. *sad smile*

Acknowledgement

Just watched a couple of episodes of Naruto.. its an anime btw... the episodes where Hinata fought wih Hyuuga... it hit me then... how it can affect some1 just by acknowledging them... Hinata is a girl full of insecurity confidence sadly lacking... yet when Naruto acknowledged her she fought with all her strength.. even though she lost the fight she won...she wanted to change herself.. and despte all that she did... no1 really notices her... she came under the eyes of th eperson she admired... he acknowledged and believed in her... no he did not believe he knew she could do what she wanted to do... becos he saw himself in her.. and he got thru it and knew she would too... on te verge of tears. haha silly you might say but how true is this? how often have we tried so hard? i see it in myslf the situation portrayed in the show... isnt it familiar to you? *chuckles* however how many times hs it been that we just brush past a person? not knowing that all the person wanted was to be seen... someone looking at you and you are so oblivious to that fact? im guilty of that for sure... we all are. sometimes it makes me wonder... if such ppl exist for myself... the guilt is done with..bt i do not know if ppl see me as such if you do.. i acknowledge you.. if you dont... i acknowledge you no less.. most importantly i see you... all of you and only you.. this smile i give you these tears i shed for you.... :') i acknowledge you...

without fail hahha the sinister voice speaks... who acknowledges me? *mad laughter* thank you Ilaf *laughs some more* i acknowledge you Ilaf.

Hmm

was just stony at my couch thinking of a few things kinda came up with a line...

how i see life : taking a rollercoaster ride blindfolded

a tiny song came to my head after that line

Rollercoaster ride

Up and down we go
Blind as such as though
We can see the world
we thought we really know

Really fast we go
really fast we go
Amazing does it feel
Feelings wished were real

Little did we know
little did we know
rides will have to halt
truth makes eyes go pop

*giggles* cant remember where that tune came from the words makes the tune go funny at times but im not an accomplished song writer hahahha sounds real kiddish the tune but i always knew theres alot we can learn from kids hahaha

A smile making a difference

Hmm well i ended up with enlistment duty at pasir ris today ushering the new enlistees, thought i would play a little bit with being... over the yrs keep hearing that i have a unapproachable front...dicided to plaster a small smile on my face even when i think no1 is looking hahah wasnt too hard... though felt kinda wierd being used to the usual stony stare that i have... hahah well end result after 8hrs of standing and smiling.... got alot more ppl approaching me than the rest of ppl station there with me.. ( the rest commented on it) had a few enlistees sisters speaking to me hahah ( 1 was quite pretty.. but my friend had to cut in the convo and she ran off -.-") got many smiles from the ladies hahah and interesting convos from the guys... and 1 lady kinda flirted with me hahahha kinda embarrassing but well flattering. haha she happened to like my name and the way she said my name sounds like a caress hahah and i added a twist! being horridly stern with a smile! got many enlistees fumbling for their enlistment letters and ics trying to immediately do what i say i was even called sir quite a number of times *giggles* fun fun wonder what i should try for tom? :D

Calculating numbers

Happen to come across this indian numerology website. punch in your bday and wala its does some calculations and puts you under 2 of 9 numbers (1-9) 1 number representing your psychic number the other your destiny number. lets see my findings bday is 18 oct 1982 and it calculates to

psychic number : 9

Impressive and charismatic presence, warm personalty.
Agrresive, assertive, challenging, emotional, can fly into a rage,volatile,anger easily,aristocratic demeanor.
Better in dealing with troubles of the many than the problem of a single person.
Militant, benevolent, unprejudiced. Long for love and approval.
Able top synthesize and harmonize with all other vibrations.
Sincere, postpone personal satisfaction for common goals, hardworking and serves.

destiny number: 3

Hardworking, agreeable yet unable to follow through on all promises and can stress out. Confident, dont like their actions challenged.
Overall positive disposition, communicate well but resist opposition.
Always busy, cheerful, idealistic, religiously minded, philosophical, adventurous.
Experience betrayal as they rush projects and relationships and have too many.
Proud, extravagant, exagerated sense of self. Resilient yet emotionally vunerable, do not like to be alone, like to excel at all that they do and are.

Oh just realised they have name numbers too.

name number: 1

LEADER, will enjoy positive reinforcement from, and success within circle of family, friends and society.

hmm not sure what to make of it. *shruggs* or rather too sleepy to look at it properly

Worries

of late ive been feeling nauseous...well its not surprising though i always overeat and have been drinking quite abit of late however........... tonight was fun... well it didnt start that way but a tiny switch in perception turned it around...got drinking SAF seems to like to make ppl drunk. not that i was.. was kinda high but thats it. i control myself pretty well nowadays... haha rem that days i would get myself pissed drunk.... though it wasnt often... grrr going out of point again *sighs* anyway on my way back home felt nauseous again.. the wave just hit me and it wasnt so much of the drinks i was prety clear walking home from toa payoh interchange... i took a detour and went to puke at hte nearby petrol kiosk toilet.. it was pretty clear but it had reddish streaks to it... i didnt eat anything remotely red today...this isnt the first time... wonder if im just being paranoid but it defintely looks like blood to me...should visit the MO just in case...chest feels kinda funny as well.....

The road less traveled

Went for the grad dinner for the leaadership 3rd wave.. inspiring....powerful they have become powerful yet they will be...i asked this yesterday.. what does it take for a person to be great? i saw today that we all have what it takes.. but those graduated today took it on... Hao Ming called out for ppl who would join the next wave with adrian.. Mel ushered me on but for once i couldnt look a person in the eye.. i was looking at joining but i wanted to make sure first that nothing would go wrong.. i squeezed my eyes tight.. trying to avoid the call...i was not ready... circumstance prevents me... Yet when i opened my eyes i rose and stepped forward. i took the leap once when i wasnt ready... no1 is ever ready... you will only know when you take it on...cheers rose when i faced the rest i was standing along side Cheena and Eric. i gave them a hug as well as Adrian. when i look at the rest i knew the hardest was over... tough times ahead but when i look at them... my comrades.. ppl who will fight along side me.. ppl who will let me fall so i can get up stronger than ever.. i know i will make it happen.. its now or nvr.. i waited so long for this its abt time....it was so wrong that it was right...the road less traveled continues...fierces hugs came from every1 b4 i left...to be a true leader is not to lead an army of hundreds, thousands or even hundreds of thousands. a true leader only has to lead 1 person. that is himself. i will not fail them for i know they will not allow it.. also because i know i will not allow them to fail me... even more i will not fail myself..I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Left Ahead

the norm would be a person left behind... yet while watching Alexander.. this occured to me.. the possibility of me being left ahead...Zhong found the show boring Luci fell asleep.. they left me to watch the show alone.... im not angry.. sadden rather reminded me of the scene where Alexander wanted to push on and the army he brought from mesadonia wanted to go home... it occured to me if a small thing like a movie they will not stay by me when push comes to shove when pushing to realise a dream they cannot see will i be left to move on forward? change comes for all yet every1 wants things to remain the same... what if 1 day i were to chase a dream bigger than what most can see will they abandon me so? *sighs* ive grown so much since i took the leap of 'faith' a yr ago. i can only drag them so far. do i have to do what they have done to me? a choice... both parties have to make... no wonder kelvin said its a lonely path... i made my choice to go down the path less traveled... time will tell their choice.... i cannot force them to fight along side me as comrades... no matter how much i want it..to fight the battle of life... a battle since our worlds were created.. i have already joined the fight... theres no turning back for me now....

Greatness...

What does it take for a person to be great? im talking abt greatness that commands greatness that engulfs greatness that awes... not just for the moment but for ages, generations to come...
I just watched Alexander... the night ended up with me at the staircase outside of my house weeping... weeping so hard that my face hurts... I dont know how accurate the show portrayed but i saw what it took the essence of it all... it consumed me... His dream his fears his dedication his love.. many more things undescribable... yet i do not weep for him for he did what he had to do in his world despite the consequences.. i weep for the ppl around him who did not see what he saw.. his vision which took the world... i weep for every1 around me for they cannot see the greater self beyond themselves... i weep hardest for myself... for the excuses i made the justifications create to hide behind... for the fear of what it takes to be great... greater than what i could have possibly dream of... it is a lonely road for no1 can see what we see other save ourself...
yet the journey has never been for the faint hearted... 'Fortune favors the bold' a qoute from the show in a matter of years he did what no1 had thought possible at that time...maybe its true i do not know... perharps 1 day i can verify it for myself.... do i dare to be bold? i once took a step towards that that led to this journey... though i have lost sight of what i begin with it has hit me back with crystal clarity... greater than oneself... maybe i would shift the world 1 day maybe not but that does not matter... i stand once more... no matter how i fall as i have b4 i will stand again... Thank you every1.. and mean every1 without any1 of you there wouldnt be me... may i 1 day give you strength as you have given me

Ownership

its been a while since i took a look at the situation in camp... it has been really draggy for me and i keep falling asleep. energy lvl is so low i've stopped living...Part of me fears i have fallen once again to sleeping... In actual truth i have... (pause... lin im finally getting my ass off again to start journaling hahah) In the depths of my sleep in camp came the realisation for all that has been happening in camp... it started with me getting my posting after grad from SISPEC... bmtc.... hahahha i wanted to go to a unit in mainland so i have more time to do what i wanted to do.... i didnt own my decision to be in bmtc... choosing no choice is still a choice and i didnt own it.. ran around wishing i was in an ops unit.. haha something so in my face yet i was blind to it....however another realisation surfaced that bmtc would be the place where i would stretch myself...funny how you intend for something and you get it in the wierdness ways. my game of systems and positioning. where better place to play that game with plenty more ppl to interact with in bmtc with tons of ppl with the same rank and recruits to experiment with (enrollmentwise) as compared to an ops unit with plenty more superiors and only 6 men under me?? hahaha it hit like a slap in my face that ive been positioning myself to end up in bmtc hahahah looks like im getting a better hand at positioning than i thought.. hahaha and it renforces my stand which i made going to ns that i would stretch myself putting the work in use in terms of social skills manueverability leadership training... i own it... bmtc is my playground now... hahaha let the madness begin once more.... hahhaha

Order of the Pheonix

of late the voice that writes has been kinda quiet...

maybe should have a recap of what i wrote b4 to get it mumbling again.. kinda miss it...

the very first time i heard it came to this:

Order of the Phoenix

All is lost
All is found
In this vicious cycle
We ourselves bind

Upon a death
We shall see life
In its full glory
Beauty and Shine
Through these eyes
That once has been blind
To save all of mankind

Once all is lost
All will be found
In this vicious cycle
We ourselves bind

and a personal fav of mine:

True Colors

Roses are red
Voilets are blue
How do we know this is true?
Even though it has been said
Many things said has been proven fake

Search yourself when you tell the truth
Have you wonder if its foolproof?
Little lies here and there
Become truths we learn to share

Roses are red
Voilets are blue
Are these lies really true?
Or has the truth have you fooled?

Madness

Me and Dizzy had a conversation last friday abt madness hahah.. he related a story to me abt a king and a well.... anyway kinda enforced the realisation ages ago the every1 is crazy... haha ppl keep calling each other i crazy if every1 is correct who's the crazy 1? if no1 is right who's the crazy 1? well does sanity exist or even the lack of it? hahaha well the sound of what i say already is crazy... yay everyone is mad including myself... i wonder if every1 ever truely realise they are crazy....anyway the night ended with me embracing madness for what it is.... very powerful space was grinning the whole night at everyone on the way back hahahah got very wierd looks hahahh life is wonderful...

To lynette

if you ever peek at this wrote this in gratitude for the convo we had. kinda realised a few things that i have been procrastinating and been eating at me from inside after the exchange. *chuckles* so yeah thanx