Pretenders

this is something ive know all along just that if the last time it hit me was like a slap to my face now its like a knee to my balls...hahaha.. im happy yet sad maybe its the other way around. Everyone pretends myself included. after everything after i do my best to be who and what i wanna be the way i wanna be. ppl just act funny then pretend nothing has happened or avoid me. i dont make them wrong for it. they dont understand at times i dont either. ppl fear what they do not know. they then jump to some conclusion to cover it up or avoid it totally. cant they see it? sometimes i lose sight of it as well. im not perfect nor do i try to be. though im just sick of ppl pretending around me im sicking of pretending myself. slowly i do my best. maybe if i live by it 1 day the ppl i love will get it. why do we do this why? why guard ourselves from the very ppl we love?! for me at the end of the day im afraid.. im afraid if i give it my all i will lose them like i did my dad... i told zhong yesterday that everything that has a start has an ending... only thing to look forward to is the possibility that something more would come out of it... time to stop guarding myself i have already begun actually and slowly i can see the fading... fading of ties i once created. everything that started has to end. lets see what will come out of it at the end. friends... friendship... if that was started it would have to end 1 way or another.... some sooner some later some only at death.. but inevitably it does... but we know it will end some day.... doesnt matter... only today matters now you are still a friend till the day you arent... however till then.. i will cerish every moment i get with you all.. let the end come when it comes i will worry of it no longer... i love you all... *sad smile* pretense... will i get through 1 day? through you? the gift to see at times seems like.... like a curse... how wonderful it is to see... yet to be shunned coz im a threat to the veil that you cling desperately on to... *chuckles* i seem to be straying from what i wanted to originally say but that does not matter.. ill just continue... whatever comes comes...times those who have recieved this gift have falter for as wonderful it is to see we see the the sadness to it too... the pain of truth... some have put back on the veil. i mourn for my comrades who have fallen... times like this how i wish... *sighs* wishes dont do anything except for wishing... i will bear the pain now.. but i will not suffer... now seeing this i can understand why ppl shun me when i do what i do.. pretense is all that they can do to keep their existence as it is... i dont blame you.. i was there b4.. but how long how long can you keep it up? pretending to know the truth yet deep down you know its all a lie... even my truth is a lie.. the truth lies in layers. so it lays so it lies. the layers of truth becomes lies... yet i will still continue to unravel the lies of the truth. why? why do this? i dont want to lie to myself anymore... its a miserable place where i had to make myself happy.. even now at the height of my sadness im happy...hahah coz i no longer need to make myself happy.. *end of ramblings for now*