New Year

Theres just something abt drinking and lack of sleep that gives you such a wonderful buzz in the head.. hahaha well its not bad...im not the kinda guy that gets a hangover. can drink like a thirsty camel out of the desert and be doing paperwork the very next morning. anyway its 2005.. haha the night b4 had steamboat that was mad i love all you can eat.....though didnt eat too much coz i know i was gonna be drinking... didnt expect cho won to be there i thought lucius finally got himself attached or something chong luci danial lifeng been awhile since i saw lifeng so that was pretty cool too. i talked to cho won abit. guess she being korean quite alot of times she felt kinda left out. heh i should know how that feels. maybe thats why i kinda like her hahaha. though she acts funny around me. all i have to do is look at her and she will laugh... haha its quite hilarious. she keeps saying im funny even when i dont do anything. hahaha and im like cute... yup cute pinch my cheeks kinda cute.... -.-' hahaha but its all good ya its fun speaking to a foreigner. new experience. nvr really spoke to a korean b4 it sounds funny. hahaha well i bet i sound funny to her too with all her laughing. after marina we went to tangjong rhu to have a couple of drinks! we drank from bowls!!! hahah no paper cups at the petrol kiosk. cho won shouldnt drink... hhahaha its funny she's like fine a min the next think she like all over danial and saying how they been sleeping together for 3 days... they sleep in the same room guess she doesnt know how to say it properly without sounding indecent... haha danial was like gagging the whole time hahah it was so cute. later lifeng left steve and deyna came talk cock somemore. hahah fun night with the guys and a drunk girl... *snickers* getting lazy to type... hahah out..

People that believe in me

God this is tough. in my earlier post in getting closer to why i took up cre8 juvenile and it aint pretty... it hurts so much. we have a great team comprising of great ppl. ppl who believe in me. ive always wanted to be part of something like this. ive always wanted to be in support of something like this. they have dreams... dreams they they would do anything to get. they are working so hard... i realized why im supporting this. like ive said i wanted to support this. its a great idea and all but....*sighs* i grew up with lots of ppl around me but ive always been alone.. its not a bad thing.. ppl did not exclude me i did by choice. acknowledging my lonliness has made me see a couple of things. my strengths my weaknesses my patterns my frameworks. although this is a great idea i have nothing else to go by except me wanting them to realize this dreams of them and that they believe i can assist them with this. then i realize i cannot.. its because they believe in me.... which is why this hurts so bad.this is their dream their visions not mine. also i cannot provide the resources the project require. its because they believe in me i cannot do this to them. i have a responsibility. i cant bring shit in for them to handle.. this is my shit.... i still want to be in support of this but not like this. not when i will be more of a liability than an asset. how hard is this... but i have my own way to go... having no choice is still a choice to be made.... this sux but i still gotta do it... at the end ill be stronger by the time i come back if i so choose it.

Day of confrontations

Ugh.. my nose is leaking like crazy!! ugh seems like confrontation after confrontation today. lynette, ain, cheena and dizzy. well for lynette im almost at peace with it.. apparently theres gonna be a reply so not knowing what it is yet creates an incompletion. if only thats the only thing i have to handle today.. haha ain called today see whether wanted to hang out. i dont have a prob with her.. *sigh* it was painful for me continuing my relationship with eunice back then after she cheated on me with a so called friend. the suspicion and all the crap that came after that was hard to bear even though i succeeded. it was something i nvr wished for someone else to experience. so strong the emotion that i unconciously avoid unnessecary interaction with any of my friends' gfs.. haha though after i cleared with eunice abt our past it cease to affect me. the framework still there though. ack sneezing fit..... so i still get mildly triggered from time to time.
anyway ever since ain been more involved with the work i got closer to her. *smiles* she's like a sister to me. slowly the framework is breaking apart. though today like abit too much she called which is rare she even got me a gift for chrismas. guilt trip nvr got her anything... haha... ill let her know abt this soon since we will be doing blp together. getting triggered again. damn frameworks... haha then theres the thing with cheena and dizzy. abt cre8 juvenile.. im getting closer to discovering exactly why i dived into that project and so far it doesnt look pretty and dread bringing this up to them which i have to. having no choice is still a choice to be made haha. spent the evening with them. trigger trigger.. manifest to a flu... drip drip. ugh pile of tissue getting pretty huge hahah how much shit have i been putting on myself? hahah it seems endless. still have to clean it up anyway. haha damn you kelvin hahahha pfft i made the choice haha no turning back ever since then. *smiles*

Time to roll the dice

today i took a gamble haha.. pretty much i put myself at risk of being so incomplete it would have killed my plans.. though its not fully done with but as i decided the outcome does not matter what does is i already did what i could.. im left 1 more important loose end to tie up b4 i face the new year. every yr ppl make resolutions. main issues lie in the domain of responsibility. everytime i think abt it my stomach gets really tight. my stand... im gonna go back to basics. haha who am i that courage is is responsibilty love and devotion. time to complete what i started 3/4 of a yr ago and it starts again now. time to roll the dice and see how the game unfolds.. *grinz*

The Truth

I've said this line in posts 'Response' and 'Pretenders': truth lies in layers. at that point what i wanted to illustrate was the fact that truth is stacked in layers in which each layer can bring out a different perspective of what is said. it kinda hit me today (actually the other day but i was reminded of it today) when i met up with lin for a drink at tanah merah. the key thing in what i saw was the word 'lies'.

courtesy of dictionary.com (lol) i found these entries for lies..


To exist; reside: Our sympathies lie with the plaintiff.

To consist or have as a basis. Often used with in: The strength of his performance lies in his training.

more important to illustrate what im driving at is this:


To present false information with the intention of deceiving.

To convey a false image or impression: Appearances often lie

thats right... the truth... lies.. in layers...

so how can that be? the truth is the truth a lie is a lie right? then again havent we all told white lies b4 something not exactly true but at the same time not really a lie? hmm another way to illustrate this would be lawyers... yes yes.. think of all those cracks at lawyers... im not saying i know tons abt lawyers but the great ones often are kings at twisting truth and fact.. a simple truth stacked with different perceptions ultimately gets distorted.. however are any of these perceptions wrong? or even any right? hahaha its intriguing to me seeing all of this.. but thats another story altogether.. nature of right and wrong.. though similar and closely linked with the nature of truth and lies. 'little lies here and there become truths we learn to share' a tiny line i took from a poem i wrote. a flipside look of what i am talking abt... hahaha so which is it then? the truth really a truth? or a lie? both? neither? muahahah... to end this off.. im just gonna say what a sinister world we live in *chuckles*

Sick

hmm woke up with cough and block nose... its been awhile i dont fall sick easily nowadays... wonder whats up? hmm i see...cough is a build up of wanting to say something. yeah im pretty incomplete abt that Ilaf. the more i think abt it the harder i cough.. haha.. funny how the body works sometimes.. confrontations manifesting to physical ailments. hmm block nose... lets see..
constant brooding over blp and my choices.. ive gotta make a choice soon.. cant delay it too long...energy kinda low too today...resistance to going back to camp... haha wonder whats up with that sia.. thought i ended that already... ugh... i took mc on wed... cant entertain it like this its starting make choices for me again. sigh. Ilaf do something abt it. you got less than an hr. lets complete our experience in Delta. oh yeah and whats the deal with yest night before we slept? ugh my head is fuzzy right now... dont want me to rem eh? i already told you whether or not some1 comes into the pic your existence is already made clear to me...i wont push you down anymore now quit arguing you know what i said is true.. we already made a pact b4 now stay true to it... yes yes our plans for that will take place.. dont worry...its already in motion..it will be evident in blp... yeah do that... source for alternate ways for me to attend blp.. its important i do it this time round... haha yes i know im tired of being patient as well... it will be done 1 way or another so do that.. get back to me on wed so i can speak to kelvin.. hmm stopped coughing block nose clearing up... *sigh* Ilaf and my body works together too often sometimes to make me see stuff haha.. all the more since i can converse with my body it will be an added medium of expression.. hmm reading the whole damn thing sounds like processing.. haha im counting on you Ilaf. we gotta make this work somehow... jeez just realise this whole post is an actual convo hahaha well theres always a first. *shruggs*

Pretenders

this is something ive know all along just that if the last time it hit me was like a slap to my face now its like a knee to my balls...hahaha.. im happy yet sad maybe its the other way around. Everyone pretends myself included. after everything after i do my best to be who and what i wanna be the way i wanna be. ppl just act funny then pretend nothing has happened or avoid me. i dont make them wrong for it. they dont understand at times i dont either. ppl fear what they do not know. they then jump to some conclusion to cover it up or avoid it totally. cant they see it? sometimes i lose sight of it as well. im not perfect nor do i try to be. though im just sick of ppl pretending around me im sicking of pretending myself. slowly i do my best. maybe if i live by it 1 day the ppl i love will get it. why do we do this why? why guard ourselves from the very ppl we love?! for me at the end of the day im afraid.. im afraid if i give it my all i will lose them like i did my dad... i told zhong yesterday that everything that has a start has an ending... only thing to look forward to is the possibility that something more would come out of it... time to stop guarding myself i have already begun actually and slowly i can see the fading... fading of ties i once created. everything that started has to end. lets see what will come out of it at the end. friends... friendship... if that was started it would have to end 1 way or another.... some sooner some later some only at death.. but inevitably it does... but we know it will end some day.... doesnt matter... only today matters now you are still a friend till the day you arent... however till then.. i will cerish every moment i get with you all.. let the end come when it comes i will worry of it no longer... i love you all... *sad smile* pretense... will i get through 1 day? through you? the gift to see at times seems like.... like a curse... how wonderful it is to see... yet to be shunned coz im a threat to the veil that you cling desperately on to... *chuckles* i seem to be straying from what i wanted to originally say but that does not matter.. ill just continue... whatever comes comes...times those who have recieved this gift have falter for as wonderful it is to see we see the the sadness to it too... the pain of truth... some have put back on the veil. i mourn for my comrades who have fallen... times like this how i wish... *sighs* wishes dont do anything except for wishing... i will bear the pain now.. but i will not suffer... now seeing this i can understand why ppl shun me when i do what i do.. pretense is all that they can do to keep their existence as it is... i dont blame you.. i was there b4.. but how long how long can you keep it up? pretending to know the truth yet deep down you know its all a lie... even my truth is a lie.. the truth lies in layers. so it lays so it lies. the layers of truth becomes lies... yet i will still continue to unravel the lies of the truth. why? why do this? i dont want to lie to myself anymore... its a miserable place where i had to make myself happy.. even now at the height of my sadness im happy...hahah coz i no longer need to make myself happy.. *end of ramblings for now*

Fun times

hmm yest didnt turn out too good monetary wise. Cheena lost 300 bucks over the event coz the turn out aint good. not every1 starts out successful eh? haha shows how much work we gotta put in to make it work. couple things i learnt though thats pretty outta point from the event. anyway its abt having fun.ya know ppl say sometimes the place is boring nothing much going on and all blah blah blah... so whats creates fun? haha turns out the answer again is me. well not in an egotistical way its just a matter of perception again. like yesterday the crowd wasnt bad or anything tad too thin but hey it was like a private party and i was having a blast. hahah there were times when i went to zouk or phuture packed as hell and wondering why its so boring.. hahah turns out coz i thought it was boring and didnt do anything abt it...cheena was playing good stuff all of the concious ppl we having a blast haha well i really was. dancing drinking chatting pic taking! weee i dont know its kinda odd is it the ppl im with? somehow having comrades sharing the same world around just makes it easy to have fun. then again im having fun right now and im alone! haha weeee just typing chilling with ma coffee and ciggies letting my thoughts run wild. so bring it down to a common denominator... fun = ??? my truth would be just letting loose ya know despite your surrounding circumstances the ppl.. ya can make anything fun matter of perception... so at the end of the day yet again it comes down to a choice. ya wanna have fun or not? so stop whining abt whatever you are doing and be present to it.. look at it in a way you never would chances are thats when the fun starts to kick in hehehe.. well im off to have a jolly good time by myself till dinner time where ill have fun riding on the train going to lins place and having chrismas dinner with the awaken bunch. Weeee